Fear + Loathing
“I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me.”―
Cheryl Strayed,
Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail
Lately, I’ve been going through some shit. Grief, displacement, minor health stuff, car trouble. It’s nothing too earth-shattering, and it’s all manageable - but it’s tiring. Sometimes life pummels me with lessons in a way that feels decidedly unnecessary and over the top. Just a little ridiculous if you ask me. And when I look around, it seems like many people I know are going through some version of this. Life really tends to life the shit out of you sometimes.
I have a tendency toward fear and self-pity, hbu? It’s just part of my genetic makeup. Luckily I’m aware of it and do my best to mitigate those feelings with all the tools I’ve picked up over the years. I have to rail against it because I don’t want to live in that paradigm, though I'm human and do enjoy a drive down that dead-end street. A lot of insane things have happened to my body over the course of my life, but a lot of really exciting and unbelievable things have happened too.
Recently, fear has crept in big-time - at certain moments it’s felt all-encompassing. Over the course of my academic career, I went to 8 different schools, so I was the new kid many, many times. I would always feel overcome with fear the night before starting at a new school - sobbing into my mother’s lap. It felt impossible to start again. My little body could barely handle it. My parents would often say, in an effort to bolster me: “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” That’s what I did, and that’s what I’ve always done. It’s taken me on some pretty incredible adventures so far.
There have been countless moments over the past few months when I didn’t think I could feel the fear and do it anyway. But the way I push through fear is by continuing to show up for my life, even when it’s painful to do so, even when it takes everything I have to be present in my body for all the fucking feelings. Even when I need to lead myself by the hand to lean into my practice and ask for outside help.
And like Cheryl Strayed says above, it’s the deciding. I’ve decided I’m safe. I’m strong. I’m brave. Nothing can vanquish me. Hope you can find some version of that decision for yourself this week, whether your fears are small or big. Quiet or loud. We all have them. It's only human.
We have a new month coming up on Patreon and with it new meditations and events! You can sign up here. I'll be putting up the May dates for a Breathwork event and a Meditation and Movement work shop next week!
A new meditation will be out on Sunday dealing with, yup - you guessed it! Fear, baby.